Listening to her sorrowed song
by Fuckingdefy
Summary: i"Hey Demi…" There was a smile in her voice, a little nervous chuckle that use to mean that Selena was embarrassed./i


I own nothing.

bbigSummer./bigb

There's a horrid silence around the house, like the world is just waiting for her to speak, to finally speak. It's been days since she last uttered a single word; since a sound last escaped her throat to be judged by the rest of the world. She can't get her body to move; she can't get her mind to stop thinking i_'what if.'_

_What if I was there?_

_What if I knew?_

_What if I was a better friend, a better girlfriend?_

_What if, what if, what if?_

/i

She wants to throw up; her insides are turning on her, attacking every waking moment. One day it's a head ache, the next she can't move. Her body knows that she's an emotional wreck right now; it knows that she doesn't want to live anymore, but she is. She won't take the easy way out, no, not like….

She swallows thickly, her heart making a slow beating rhythm that echoes behind her ears. The other girl was always so strong, so stubborn yet sweet. She could remember the days where Alex would dance around her room like no one was looking; days where they'd cuddle up under a thick blanket to watch re-runs of Alex's favorite t.v. show.

And she didn't even know how many times she watched the note book with the other girl, but she did, even if she didn't like it all that much. It was who Mitchie was always caring for Alex like she would a child. Mitchie was the giver, and Alex was the taker. It was just how it went.

_iBut not now./i_

Mitchie groans internally as she shakes her head from the recent memories, wanting so badly to just tell her brain to shut up and actually have it listen for a moment. But of course it doesn't, it never does. It likes attacking her, breaking her down like a crumbling building. All she's waiting for is the wrecking ball or the dynamite to destroy her.

_iDidn't that already happen?/i_

Mitchie nods. She's too tired to fight anymore, too tired to think about Alex, to tired to even sleep because she knows that when she closes her eyes…she'll be there once again. But she turns on her side once again, grabbing a stuffed bear that she named 'lex cause Alex wanted it to be their 'baby'.

Mitchie chuckles at the memory, yet when she shoves the bear into her face and breathes in deeply, she can smell Alex. Tears spring to her eyes and she has to remind herself to keep breathing.

A hammering heart beats against her ribcage like it wants to escape; like it wants a better life, one that isn't hers. Holding onto the bear like it's a life line, Mitchie escapes her bedroom, tiptoeing out of the house and towards an old pond that circled a land mass. When they were young, Alex would claim the middle as her princess tower and Mitchie was the knight in shining armor that had to save the princess from the 'dragon'.

But now, the pond is dried up, looking so small and fragile. It's like the pond was tied to Alex, and Mitchie doesn't know how to take it. So she walks to the middle of the landmass and lies down, trying to think of every word last heard her say, every movement that Mitchie last saw.

Before she falls asleep, Mitchie sees a smiling Alex laughing, and the sound echoes in her mind like a sweet, sorrowed lullaby.

The next morning, her sister is the one to find her curled around the bear protectively, body shaking just a little. She knows that there are bags under her eyes, that she's pale and sickly looking, but she doesn't care. It's been like this for weeks now, it's not like she's going anywhere.

"Mitchie…" Her older sister says sadly to wake her up, pushing her hands under Mitchie's arm and lifting her up by them much like a mother would lift their child.

"Mitchie baby…" Caitlyn coos, an arm supporting Mitchie's dead weight due to her sleepiness. Mitchie doesn't speak, and Caitlyn doesn't expect her to.

"Honey, stand up, your mom will be worried if I'm dragging you inside." Caitlyn says, smiling a little, trying to ease a smile out of Mitchie, but all she gets is a very tired, and sorrow filled stare.

"You need to talk to someone, Mitchie…please you're scaring me…" Caitlyn murmurs softly as she intertwines her fingers with Mitchie's. Her young friend drops her hand like it's hot fire, tears springing to her eyes as she stares at her hand like it betrayed her or something. Caitlyn doesn't get it, she confused before realization hits and she nods stupidly. "Mitchie I'm sorry, I didn't mean…I…"

"It's ok Caitlyn." Mitchie squeaks out, her voice raspy from it being sealed away for so long. The tears are rolling now, and Mitchie tries to look away to hide them, but Caitlyn sees. She doesn't do anything besides try to wipe the tears away then look towards the bluing sky.

"She wouldn't want you to do this to yourself Mitchie." Caitlyn says and then leaves, leaving her broken broken to let her knees buckle and crumble onto the small island, clutching her 'lex bear tightly to her thudding chest.

When she finally gets herself back inside, there's a box with her name on it in the kitchen. When she looks at the word, she knows exactly who wrote it and curses the person for sealing it so air tight that she has to stab the thing (carefully) a couple times before she's able to open it.

Hands shake as they look down at things that Alex had borrowed, things that Mitchie had left there, things that were gifts. In this box, their whole relationship was sealed away.

Mitchie took the box to her room, pushed it in her closet and hid it away.

It's been another week, and all Mitchie can do is just stare at the closet that holds the box. She doesn't want to go through it, but she knows she has to.

She gingerly walks to her closet, peaking into the small space and watching the un-moving box intently. She was scared, but Mitchie tried to push through her fears and open the box.

Just like before, her heart hammered, her palms grew sweaty and her breath stopped. She could smell Alex.

Reaching into the box, Mitchie grabbed the first thing and rushed away from the box, closing the door and resting her back against it while she tried to breathe deeply. Tears formed in her eyes as she looked out the window, the open window letting in the dying rays of the setting sun.

Looking down at her hand, Mitchie stared at the little iPod dangling from the headphones that she was clutching. It was green. Alex's favorite color.

Slinking back to her bed, Mitchie sat cross legged while she set the iPod in front of her, her head tilting. This wasn't her's, nor was it Alex's. It was a little one, yet it still had a screen for videos and pictures.

Hesitating, Mitchie turned the little thing on, tilting her head as the greeting came up. i_'Mitchie, I'm sorry.'/i_

A shaking breath escaped Mitchie's lips and she almost turned the thing off once again. But she didn't.

As she flipped through the thing, Mitchie paused at a playlist named 'I love you', debating whether or not to listen to it. She decided to look.

The first song was un-titled, but Mitchie placed the head phones in her ears and clicked on it anyways, wondering what Alex was listening to.

_i"Hey Mitchie…"_ _There was a smile in her voice, a little nervous chuckle that use to mean that Alex was embarrassed./i_

Mitchie froze, looking around her room with wide eyes, her mouth slightly agape as her hands shook. "Alex…" Mitchie whispered, sniffling back her heart breaking sob that she knew would wake Maddie or Caitlyn.

_i"You must be pretty mad at me, huh?" Alex whispered, a creaking noise echoing around her as she moved around her room, pacing. "I'm sorry Mitchie…."_

"_There's lots of things you're probably questioning, maybe you even think it's your fault, but it's not, honey I promise…"/i_

Mitchie pressed her pillow to her mouth and let out a scream, tears rolling down her cheeks as she paused the 'song'. That name of endearment was breaking her.

_i'Honey…..honey….honey…' /i_

It repeated, breaking another crack in her heart each time she blinked to see that smile as Alex would say it. She didn't know that this kind of pain existed, that she could feel this helpless, this hurt. She never knew that Alex would be the one to break her like this.

Mitchie replayed the song.

i"_Hey Mitchie…" This time, Mitchie closed her eyes and imagined Alex sitting on her bed, breathing out her name with a last dying breath, eyes closed and a smile on her face as she remembered her girlfriend. _

_Then Mitchie imagined how Alex thought Mitchie would take it. Alex's face warped and twisted, pain touching her features as she looked away. /i_

"Why didn't you ever tell me?"

_i"You must be pretty mad at me, huh?" Alex whispered, pacing in the room. /i_

"Why didn't I know, Alex? Why didn't I figure it out?"

_i"I'm sorry Mitchie…." /i_

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?"

_i"You already knew." She imagined Alex saying, smiling sadly as she cocked her head to the side and merged in with the background, painting Mitchie's mind black once again./i_

Mitchie turned the iPod off quickly, her heart hammering in her chest as she looked down at the little green iPod, twisting it over to read something that someone wrote with a marker.

_i'When you get done listening….will you forgive me?'/i_


End file.
